When was the last time you wrote a love letter to your spouse or partner?
I'm hearing crickets out there. A blank silence.
If you can't remember the last love letter you wrote, or if you've never hand-written a love letter (with an actual pen and paper), it's not surprising.
In this era of instant communication, an old-fashioned love letter might seem archaic and inefficient.
Why cramp your fingers writing a letter when you can strengthen your thumbs with a quick text? “ILY, babe. UR awesome. (Heart emoji, smiling cat face emoji).”
Nothing expresses your heartfelt devotion like an electronic message, right?
Sarcasm aside, writing a love letter to your beloved the old-fashioned way — with a pen, in longhand, on a piece of stationery — is one of the most loving gestures you can offer.
What you will learn:There are many benefits to writing a love letter by hand to your partner or spouse:
According to research conducted by relationship expert and author, Dr. John Gottman, the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions with your partner has to be greater than five to one for your relationship to be happy and healthy.
In other words, you need five positive, loving encounters to mitigate every negative one.
However, we tend to get complacent in our relationships, especially after negative events.
We often fail to initiate any meaningful positive encounters — much less five.
Writing love letters is a perfect way to neutralize the conflicts and misunderstandings that arise between you and the one you love.
What to write in a love letter depends on your feelings and what you want to express. There are no set topics or rules. Let your heart be your guide. But some common love letter ideas often include the following:
You don't have to cover a multitude of topics in one letter.
Fortunately, you can write many letters during your relationship. And you should!
Of course, a love letter should be your own words and express the sentiments that reside in your heart.
But it can be daunting to organize those sentiments in a way that best expresses them in writing.
Here are some ideas to help you:
A love letter doesn't have to be long to be effective and meaningful. It just needs to be heartfelt, specific, and authentic.
It's also nice to have a goal in mind when writing your letter. Think about what you want to express and how you want your partner to feel when reading the letter.
Try not to use a love letter for any ulterior motives or manipulative goals. This letter should be all about your partner and your positive feelings for him or her.
Let your beloved know at the beginning of the letter that you are writing to express your love and gratitude.
“This morning I felt compelled to write to you, as I was flooded with my deep feelings of love for you and gratitude that you are my wife.”
As a transition in the letter, you might write about a happy, positive memory of the two of you.
“I've been thinking about our first real date when we hiked together and how I felt immediately connected to you and your love of nature.”
Now you can show your partner that your love is grounded in the qualities you see in him or her. Talk about some of those qualities and what they mean to you.
“You are the kindest, most compassionate man I've ever known, and though you are brilliant, you never make others feel small.”
After listing some of your partner's amazing qualities, let him or her know how you've been changed for the better by these qualities.
“Your compassion and kindness have made me more loving, patient, and empathetic. Your integrity is often my ballast when I lose my cool.”
Let your spouse or partner know that you are in it for the long haul. Your commitment is solid and so is your love.
“I love you so much and can't imagine my life without you. I want to be by your side forever.”
As you close the letter, say something that sums up the power of your feelings for your guy or girl.
“Every morning when I wake up and see your face beside me, I know everything is right with the world. You are the love of my life, and you make me happier than I ever could have imagined.”
If you need more inspiration, I've put together a few love letter examples and styles to help you.
1. The “Let Me Tell You How Much I Love You” Letter
This letter is crafted to express the strength of your feelings for your partner.
You want him or her to know without a doubt that you are head over heels in love or that your love is deep and abiding (for long-term relationships).
Need some ideas? Take a look at these quotes:
2. The “You Are Amazing” Love Letter
The purpose of this letter is to let your partner know how much you admire him or her and why you feel this way.
You want your partner to understand that you see and acknowledge his or her good qualities and that you appreciate the unique person you are married to or involved with.
In this letter, give some specific examples to reinforce what you are expressing and to show you are paying attention.
Here are some examples of ways to begin this letter:
3. The “I'm A Better Person Because of You” Love Letter.
With this love letter, you want your partner to know how he or she has helped you become a better person.
You want your partner to know how he or she has changed your life, helped you grow, inspired you, healed you, expanded you, and fulfilled you.
4. The “Remember When” Love Letter
You want to draw on a positive, happy memory in this letter in order to rekindle the great feelings with your partner. Committing memories to paper is a great way to keep them fresh.
When you write down your memory, you not only relive it yourself but also you allow your partner to experience the joy of the memory and the pleasure of knowing you took the time to relive it again.
Try to write down as much detail as you can remember, highlighting not only your feelings, but also the sights, smells, sounds, and tastes of the experience.
Here are some ideas to kick off a letter like this:
5. The “I'm So Grateful” Love Letter
Expressing gratitude to your partner shows your respect and value for him or her.
Better yet, research has shown that couples who show ongoing appreciation for one another are more likely to stay committed.
A love letter can be a permanent record of your appreciation for your partner. By writing your grateful feelings, you will experience the feelings of gratitude more profoundly than you might just speaking the words.
If you want to really hone in on what makes you feel grateful toward your partner, consider what your life would be like without him or her. What would you miss? What would you have to now handle? How would you be different?
Here are some thoughts:
Read Related: 10 Conflict Resolution Skills For Having A “Good” Fight
6. The “Love Poem” Love Letter
If you have a creative flair with words (or even if you don't), writing a love poem to your beloved can be a fun and especially meaningful way to express yourself.
Think first about what you want to communicate and the feelings you have around that topic. Start brainstorming words and phrases that express or reflect these feelings. Use a thesaurus if you get stuck.
You can be serious or humorous with your poem. You don't have to rhyme unless it naturally works with the words you use. Don't worry if the poem is good or bad. As Oscar Wilde once said, “All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.”
The important point is that you made an effort to speak from your heart and create a poem for the one you love.
Here are a few poems to inspire you:
Oh Beloved, by Rumi
Oh Beloved,
take me.
Liberate my soul.
Fill me with your love and
release me from the two worlds.
If I set my heart on anything but you
let fire burn me from inside.
Oh Beloved,
take away what I want.
Take away what I do.
Take away what I need.
Take away everything
that takes me from you.
How Do I Love You, by Mary Oliver
How do I love you?
Oh, this way and that way.
Oh, happily. Perhaps
I may elaborate by
demonstration? Like
this, and
like this and
no more words now
I Love You, by Carl Sandburg
I love you for what you are, but I love you
yet more for what you are going to be.
I love you not so much for your realities
as for your ideals.
I pray for your desires, that they may be great,
rather than for your satisfactions,
which may be so hazardously little.
A satisfied flower is one whose petals are about to fall.
But the most beautiful rose is one, hardly more than a bud,
where in the pangs and ecstasies of desire are working
for larger and finer growth.
Not always shall you be what you are now.
You are going forward toward something great.
I am on the way with you
and therefore I love you.
If you'd like to read more love poems for inspiration, check out the book The 100 Best Love Poems of All Time.
Write your letter on nice stationery or a beautiful card, rather than on a piece of notebook paper or the back of an envelope. You want your letter to be a keepsake that looks special.
Read the letter several times before you give it to your partner to edit it and make sure you feel good about what you have said. You might even read it out loud to yourself to make sure it sounds like you.
Wait an hour or so before you give the letter to your beloved. You may think of more you want to say or something you wish to change.
Put the letter in a special place where your partner will be surprised when he or she finds it. The surprise factor adds to the joyful experience for you and your partner.
Keep writing. Don't make this a one-off endeavor. Consider writing a love letter a week or every two weeks. You may find your partner is inspired to write back to you.